Faith Doesn’t Mean it Doesn’t Suck

James 1:2-4: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance”.

Romans 5:2-3: “We rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings”.

Colossians 1:24: “Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake”.

Over the course of the last few months our church has been going through each book of the New Testament. In the midst of this series I’ve been identified to likely have Ehlers Danlos hypermobility (I’ve got testing in December), diagnosed with Dysautonomia, and been clinically diagnosed with Early Onset Parkinson’s Disease.

There’s been a phrase that’s been said to me a number of times by so many wonderful friends in the last few months- “Your faith is inspiring.” Everything about this sentence has beautiful intentions. And maybe this is just my black-and-white part of my brain….but isn’t THIS the point of faith? We are called time and time again to be a living testimony of what the Lord has done. We are told multiple times through scripture that this life will not be easy. Hebrews 4:14 tells us: “So then, we must cling in faith to all we know to be true. For we have a magnificent King-Priest, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who rose into the heavenly realm for us, and now sympathizes with us in our frailty.” This does not stop when you get a surprise bonus check in the mail. This does not stop when you stub your toe. This does not stop when you get an A on the test. It doesn’t stop when you get a life altering diagnosis.

But this faith doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck.

One of the super fun parts of Parkinson’s is “motor fluctuations.” This literally means I have good days and bad days. Sometimes my body works, and some times it doesn’t. I lose my fine motor skills fairly quickly. Typing on my laptop, weeding, or even holding a microphone for worship, are all things I struggle with regularly. I’ve been basically useless when it comes to gardening or helping Ethan to manage pretty much any part of our property this year. There are days where Ethan has to cut my food up. There are some days I made tons of food, I’m able to crochet, and I’m physically fine. I have no idea when what kind of day is going to strike.

My most recent, and new *favorite* (insert dripping sarcasm) part is dulled smell, which also means dulled taste. Go figure, even in Covid I never had that particular problem. But I spent a day at one of the most glorious smelling places on earth, the Hershey Spa, and barely smelled anything. I’ve already accidentally over-salted a few dinners.

I’ve always taken long showers (sorry dad), but another cool thing (again, the sarcasm is strong here) is zoning out. I spent over an hour in the shower the other day….just standing there. Usually I do a LOT of thinking in the shower, some of my best ideas. Getting frozen in the shower you would think would be a great brain break, but somehow, it’s not. And usually, the girls bursting in to go to the bathroom or Ethan finally saying, “hey, you alright in there?” is what pops me out of whatever froze-zone I’ve entered. Poof. An hour of my life, literally down the drain.

Aphasia is something I’ve dealt with always. I joke that I have so many words in my brain I can’t remember or figure out which ones I want to use. But this is a whole new level. I can be mid sentence, mid thought, and just stop. Blank stare. It’s gone. No idea what I was saying. No idea where I was going. It’s made everything from teaching, to conversations, to even speaking between songs on Sunday, more difficult and nerve wracking.

Getting out of bed was pretty much the worst part of my day. Between the stiffness in my joints, and trying to get out of the fog of a terrible night of sleep, it’s been a bear. There are some nights my tremors are so severe while I’m sleeping, they wake me up. I’ve had more nights up past 3AM in the last year than I think I’ve ever had in my whole life. Basically, when it comes to sleep, I’m 6 different levels of a mess.

All of these things and more- they suck.
Top to bottom.
The good days and the bad days- they still suck.
Make no mistake, this isn’t an excuse to complain. But it is our reality. And the reality is:
Faith isn’t a magic wand that takes that all away.
But the good news is, they aren’t mutually exclusive. You don’t have to have faith OR feel like it sucks. It’s not an either or.. You can hold both in your hands. You can acknowledge how much something sucks, while still being grateful and faithful. Faith isn’t a vacuum that cleans it all away. It isn’t bleach that scrubs away the grime of a long day. What faith does is give us hope. Faith is the promise that one day our bodies will be made new. Faith gives us the power to push on through another day when the tank is empty. Faith is the comfort sweatshirt, the cup of tea that’s the perfect drinking temperature. Faith is the constant reminder that we are not alone through the trials and the struggles and the days that it sucks. Faith is the rock in the storm. Faith is the constant companion to the weary and the wary.

Faith is the strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.

The things that were true about God for me 10 years ago are true today.
The things that were true about God 5 years ago are true today.
The things that were true about God last month are true today.
I do not change who God is. My health, my attitude, my frustration, my pain, my joy- He is the same today, yesterday, tomorrow, and forever.
That faith and understanding may be what carries us.

But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck some days.