In His Time

In the fall, I had had a conversation with Pastor Elissa about the realities of my physical limitations- my heart rate fluctuating making breathing difficult, staying balanced while singing, struggling vocally as Parkinson’s begins its work on my vocal chords, etc….At the time, I had said I think I have 18m. I just didn’t know. Nobody did. We knew it could be more, and we knew it could be less. Mind you, on top of the whole Parkinson’s thing, I’ve been singing with a nearly useless pelvic floor offering 0 support to the whole singing and standing thing.

A few months ago, a series of events led me to pause and look at my calendar. Life is real crazy around here. End of the school year, evaluations, girls doing camps, I’m doing a bit of travel, and I was already tired. When you serve, and know you need to step back, when you don’t want to, it can be hard to pick when. “Well I can make it till summer! Shoot, then they’ll need me to fill in when people go on vacation! Well I can make it til fall. Ugh. Then we’re all filling in when cold & flu season hits.” THERE IS NO GOOD TIME! So, I made the call. Easter just happened to be late this year, and that seemed to be the “best” time to step back. In His Time.

I had promised Elissa and Tim Z, that I’d NEVER put them in the position to have to ask me to step back. I also would never want to be a distraction to people worshipping, because I’m off key, falling over, pick a thing. Also, refuse to sing with old church lady warble. IYKYK. A week after that conversation with Elissa I was at the doctor discussing surgery this summer. I messaged Elissa and said, “Welp. Looks like I made the right choice, cuz my summer just got filled up with surgery.” The next time I saw her she said, “I don’t think I’ve seen God turn around and confirm a decision so dramatically, so quickly.” Life. It happens y’all. In His Time.

I’ve been singing on a stage in pretty much SOME capacity since 1995 when I sang, I Am A Promise and ripped the mic out of my mom’s hand cuz I could do it myself. From choirs, worship teams, theater, my kitchen sink, more choirs, and worship teams at Victory- my whole life has been wrapped in song. I’ve gotten to spend years on stage with my parents. I got to spend senior year of high school in choir with my brother. I have precious moments and memories with my people, quite literally enveloped in music and worship.

When our neighbor, and my second mom, Shelly, was on hospice, sitting in her chair at home, I had come to say good bye. During a moment of lucidity, someone asked her if she recognized me. She couldn’t remember my name, she looked at me and smiled. She didn’t know my name, but she knew I was the one that, “sings songs.” I was the one that sings. It was both a blessing and a mantle. A choice to pick up, and now a choice to lay down.

I’ve had 32 years to worship God with my voice, in this capacity. 32. Only, 32. How absolutely wonderful, that I have the rest of my life to discover ways to worship Him, outside of this capacity!? In His time.

I’ve gotten to sing with some of the most incredible team mates. I’ve been allowed a platform most only hope for. Ironically, people don’t usually recognize me when I’m not on stage, and I am PERFECTLY ok with that. To me, that means I’ve done my job and put their sights on Him instead of me.

As I said to Ethan, stepping back from teams, my voice isn’t just disappearing like Ursula cast a spell here. It means that I recognize my limitations, my inconsistencies, and I’ll still sing until I really, REALLY, can’t any more. It has also been made ABUNDANTLY clear to me that Victory Worship is stuck with me for all eternity, in some capacity- whether that’s worship development, song sorting, or other odds and ends, I’m still “on the team.” It’s just going to look different now. Our church has plenty of places for me to continue to serve, and I am so grateful to my dear friend who has encouraged me to join the prayer team and walk in that gifting.

It’s easy to question when something that’s such a large part of your life is going away. Why me? Why this? How did this happen? Why is it happening so quickly? Am I enough without my voice? Is my identity in WHO it should be, and not WHAT I am ‘able to do? I’m thankful that though music and my voice have been such huge parts of my life, that they are only parts of me. I will always have faith that He is working for good. That there is bigger plans and purpose to all of this well beyond me. I am able to rest in Him, even when it’s nothing like we thought or hoped, and know that He makes all things beautiful In His Time.